why men are starving for softness

I passed a group of teenage boys walking through a village carpark this evening.

‘I like your dog’ one boy shouts at me.

I let my dog range over and say hello. The boy recoils. Then starts to laugh. ‘Man, I love dogs’ he says and leans in for a stroke. But he jumps. He is visibly scared and I pull the dog away. His friends are laughing. He shirks it off. He’s laughing too but his body betrays his bravado.

One guy smacks another over the head with a pizza box and it makes a loud cracking sound. A whip-like sound that shocks me. He laughs. Another boy squares up in defence: ‘Hey, don’t do that’. Some titter. The hitter stands taller.

They’re not kids but not yet men.

I walk on and the ribbing, chatting and sparring continues. It has the feel of play. Play that’s close friends with pain.

There’s love and friendship. And feelings that are getting hurt and getting covered up. Sensitive souls are hardening under each push and need to prove.

I’m at the edge of the car park when I hear a genuine fight starting. One boy shouts ‘come here and say that to my face’.

‘Your Mum.’

Oh - I think. Here we are.

‘Your Mum’ is still the most inflammatory insult in the game.

Boys that jest and play and poke too hard become men that struggle to soften.

Young boys are told to: ‘harden up’, ‘toughen up’, ‘look after your sisters/brother/mother’.

‘You’ll be the head of the family one day.’

Our dominant over-culture prioritises speed, efficiency and empire building over reciprocity, regeneration and respect for the Great Mother.

The need to prove, provide, be strong and all-knowing gets woven into life like dental floss in a young boy’s braces.

The Manosphere, Polarity Teachings and Trad Wives are encouraging millions of men to embody ‘hyper-masculinity’.

Yet our world is already yin deficient.

We have a toddler in the Whitehouse throwing a 10 year toxic masculinity trauma tantrum.

We can no longer un-see where the imbalances pervade our culture.

It’s no wonder so many men are starving for softness and looking for it in places where the need will never be fully met.

Men have human needs that transcend age, gender, race or religion: for touch, affection, pleasure, sensuality, joy, play, care and caresses.

Men are starving for intimacy, sensuality & slowness that comes with an ability to feel safe -

To truly soften.